Lily Girls Magazine

By Kristi Rabenhorst

I remember my first crush. I was in the fifth grade and I didn’t know what to do with myself. We were in the same class and we were actually friends, but the feelings that I started having when we ended up in the same science group proved to be different than my normal feelings with friends. All of a sudden I cared about my clothes and how I looked and boy did this only get worse into junior high.

Boys do funny things to you. Suddenly you can’t remember what you were going to say, you have no idea what to wear, you can’t even form a complete sentence when trying to talk, and you are completely aware of all the possible reasons boys won’t like you.

Even with all of these crazy feelings and ups and downs, I love being a girl. I love the butterflies in your stomach when your crush smiles at you. I love picking out your outfit for a special night or even for the day at school when you know you’re going to see him a lot. And I love that when dealing with relationships, most of the responsibility and decision making falls on the guy!

Before I go any farther, let me say that this is a topic that you need to ask your parents about, or whoever you live with that gives you rules in your life. Dating and relationships are areas that can help be defined by what your parents or guardians say above what I say – they have been given the responsibility of caring for you and know you and your situation specifically. Clay, who you’ll meet in just a bit, and I desire to give you a foundation in dating that reflects Biblical principles and honoring God, but we by no means want to take responsibility from your parents.

The Bases of a Relationship:

So what does it mean when you and a boy suddenly have the label of boyfriend/girlfriend? Does it mean you’re going to get married? Does it mean you have someone to go to the next school dance with? Does it mean you’re stuck with him for at least a couple months before you can get to know someone else? Does it mean you have to kiss him? The label of boyfriend and girlfriend can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. That’s why it is important to start out talking and finding out just what he has in mind when you’re being labeled as boyfriend and girlfriend. Dating is a complex subject that could really take hours and hours to divulge. In this first article, let’s take a look at what some of the basics of dating are…

Before we get in too far, I would like to introduce you to Clay!  Clay is my fiancé that I have known for several years. He loves the Lord and has led our relationship in a way that is honoring to the Lord and honoring to me. I wanted him to share some of his insight as a guy to give you girls a different perspective!

The Bases of a Relationship: Getting to Know You…

The longest portion of a dating relationship is the getting to know you phase. This phase can involve a variety of events like long conversations at Starbucks over expensive coffee, late night telephone calls, flying kites in the park, taking walks along the beach, going to the school basketball game together, being partners at a game night, going to a concert together or discussing your favorite book. And the best part about the get to know you phase is that you don’t need any sort of boyfriend/girlfriend label to accomplish it.

The getting to know you phase is best done initially in groups because people are more likely to be themselves if they don’t have the pressure of knowing someone is watching their every move. I don’t mean to burst any bubbles, but junior high is pretty much one big getting to know you phase, and really getting to know yourself. Labels seem to pretty much just cause drama, which we’ll get into a bit later…

The getting to know you phase is essential because this is when you find out the basics about a person. You see how he treats his friends, how he responds to inappropriate jokes or suggestions, how he handles conflict, what his interests are, what he thinks is funny, what he gets riled up about, and the list goes on and on. It is important to see him in as many different situations as possible because you want to have as realistic understanding of who he really is. A cute smile and some charm will only go so far.

Clay can you give us some input from your perspective? I agree with you that the getting to know you phase is definitely most important; you get a foundation with that person. Yes, looks are important to guys…but they can only get you so far. Personality, interests and whether or not you can have fun with this girl are also important! Middle school is when you can get to know girls, be friends with them, and begin to have them in your group of friends. I didn’t have sisters so I appreciated the opportunity to get to know girls more. I remember taking the opinions or advice that girls gave me seriously. For example, if one of my friends that was a girl told me she liked my shirt, then I would be sure to remember that that was a good shirt to wear. Or if a girl told me that my tie was tacky then I didn’t really wear that tie anymore. Girls were willing to help me understand what they appreciated in a guy.

Thanks Clay. You have to understand that, at least in my humble opinion, the ultimate goal in dating is marriage and honoring God through the whole process. Sometimes you date someone you don’t end up marrying and that doesn’t mean the dating process was a failure if you were still honoring God and learned more about marriage through it. But, lets be honest here, who you are in junior high and what your interests are in junior high will most likely change pretty significantly before you’re ready to get married.

Along with that, if the ultimate goal in dating is marriage, and you don’t reasonably expect yourself to be getting married within a few years, then dating may not be the most productive use of your time. Group activities are a great way to get to know guys and girls better and even if you’re not thinking about marriage, you can learn how to talk with guys and be more comfortable with them.

Clay, whats your take? I will say at the middle school level, I had no interests in marriage nor a serious relationship. It was more fun just to be “labeled” with that pretty girl in my class but there weren’t ever any actual “dates.”  It’s not until later that we appreciate a girl’s personality and different character traits because honestly, we’re pretty shallow in junior high and don’t think through the complexity that you girls do. And, we don’t notice that you have a brand new skirt or shoes, or that you are wearing your hair up today. It’s not really until later when we’re ready to take relationships seriously that we notice and appreciate those details.

Anything else you want to add Clay? I remember in middle school that drama was a big deal with girls…who likes who, who is doing what, and who is uncool. I tended to want to be friends with the girls that were more relaxed and not always trying to draw attention to themselves. Junior high and high school can seem like a big popularity contest but don’t get caught up in trying to fit in. Don’t measure yourself by what other people think of you but really measure your worth in the Lord.

Thanks Clay! Hopefully this gave you girls some things to think about if you’re thinking about dating and what to do about that boy that gives you butterflies! If you’re older or just eager to learn more about dating, we’ll build on this next month as we cover more of the bases of a relationship. Until then, leave me a comment or question with your thoughts on dating!