Lily Girls Magazine

By Lindsay Meyers

Living a split life… what does it look like? Just take a look at my story…

I grew up going to church, but I never knew what a real relationship with God looked like. I never knew what loving God was like or what it was like to talk to God or be close with Him. I just learned the classic Bible stories and wore my beautiful powder blue choir robe and made sure I was at church every week so I could get my perfect attendance pin for Sunday school. That was the extent of my ‘relationship’ with God. As I got older, I began learning more about what it looked like to fall in love with God and I started understanding what a relationship with Him looked like. I knew right from wrong and I knew what it felt like to experience God’s presence, but I also knew how easy it was to live a life full of worldly things, living by the world’s standards.

No one from my church went to my school and I began separating my worlds. I basically lived two lives…both were very fake and very empty. I would party on Friday and Saturday night and was in church on Sunday and Wednesday as if nothing happened. I was searching for acceptance from anyone and everyone. I wanted people at school to like me and accept me and I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to make that happen. People at school classified me as a ‘cool Christian’ because I wasn’t ‘uptight’ or a ‘goody two shoes;’ and no one at church knew that I was still going out because I kept the two worlds split. I was contradicting everything that I was learning in church and what I knew was right. I even began compromising my standards and guidelines with dating and relationships. I would justify it all and make myself believe that it was okay, because it gave me temporary satisfaction.

An easy way to explain the way I was living is to say I was wearing masks. I wasn’t truly committed to either lifestyle because if I was then I wouldn’t have continued to teeter-totter back and forth living both ways. I was choosing the ‘easy’ way and doing whatever I wanted to do, yet I still made it a priority to go to church every week. I knew I needed to be in church, but I wasn’t sure why, therefore I was living with no commitment to the church or to God. I simply put on my ‘church girl mask’ or put on my ‘party girl mask’, depending who I was going to be around, and I faked it with everyone, including myself and God. I didn’t have an identity. I just wore my appropriate ‘mask’ and allowed myself to be content with that. The truth is that I was far from being satisfied.

What is satisfying about having friends and family that don’t really know anything about you because you are constantly lying and ‘leaving things out’ because you don’t want them to know about the other part of your life? Living my life this way left me feeling worthless, used, confused, lonely, lost, and loveless. All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted for who I am as a person, not who I am when I’m wearing a certain ‘mask.’

In James 1:22-25, it says, “do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it – he will be blessed in what he does.”  I was the man that listened but didn’t do; I was deceived. Even though I was listening to messages about how to live a holy and Christ-like life, I wasn’t applying it to my life at all. I listened but didn’t do and in turn, I was turning away God’s blessings. I was too concerned with what I thought would make me happy that I didn’t realize what really makes a person happy.

It took a while, but the day finally came that I realized what I was missing and that there was a better way to live. Within a week, my life and by mindset were completely transformed! I began realizing and learning how precious, beautiful, valuable, and priceless I am to God; something I had been told before, but I didn’t believe.

So what mask are you wearing? Maybe you lie, cheat, party, date lots of guys, have inappropriate relationships…what is it that you’re splitting your time and energy between? In my life, it was God and an empty party life (doesn’t match up huh?); for you it’s God and _______________. Don’t feel ashamed that you struggle with it; take a hold of it and change! Realize that God has more for you and that living a life completely committed and surrendered to God is the more fulfilling way to live. You will be covered in blessings and rewards for your obedience and commitment to God.